in a new lens

I'll be so honest, it took me forever to start this post. I would type a sentence or two, and then back space the entirety of it. I would have an idea with how to sugar coat what I am going to write about, and then I would contemplate the reality of it and decide against adding sweetness to it. So what exactly is it that I am presenting to the blogger world today, you ask? It's yucky. It's sticky. It's .... downright messy. Forgiving others. If I can be more than honest with you, I have the hardest time forgiving others. If I am wronged or hurt or, here's my biggest one, lied to- then I just about go off the deep-end. But why? Why on earth do I do this? Why is it my first reaction to take it personally? Take it personally. That is exactly what I do. I have this mindset that looks something like this, 'if they lied to me then I must not be worth the truth, I must be untrustworthy, there must be something wrong with me...' or 'if they would do this to hurt me then I must be worth nothing to them, I must not be what he wants, I must not be good enough for them....'. I play these thoughts out in my head until I actually start believing them. As time passes, sure I may act like I have forgotten about being hurt by the person and lied to by the person, but I never forget and I am not so sure if I ever really forgive. I just make up in my mind that 'its okay' and that 'it will all work out eventually'. I repress the thoughts into my mind, because I know that if I didn't, I would be absolutely consumed by them. This only lasts for a certain amount of time, however. Because the second that same person who hurt me before, hurts me again? I snap. I throw the things into their faces that they have done to me in the past. And here I am today.... taking a step back and really pondering the question: is that an example of Christ? Gosh no. Is that even a display of forgiveness?

....It's not about me. Whew, if that wasn't a blow at my pride, I don't know what would be. Seriously, who am I. Who do I think I am sometimes? Have I not fully grasped what Christ did for me on the cross? Not only for ME, but for the people that have wronged me. Christ died for them as well! He bled and suffered for my enemies. He endured the beating for the person that has hurt me the most. What has really been on my heart lately is this: in the moment that I feel I cannot forgive someone, or I am not willing to forgive someone, I need to remember how much I wrong God on a daily basis, and HOW MUCH MORE He forgives me.... day in and day out. There is truth in this: I have wronged God so much more than I have ever been wronged by others. These people that I have 'such a hard time forgiving' have probably only hurt me a handful of times. I sin every single day a lot more than a 'handful' of times, and yet my God has forgiven me for each one of those sins. As believers, I don't think we will be able to truly forgive, unless we truly understand the work that Jesus did for us on the cross. When you're feeling like you cannot forgive that person, or like the person doesn't even DESERVE your forgiveness, close your eyes and picture Jesus hanging on the cross for that person. Jesus loves them, so much that He was willing to lay down His very own life for them. And Jesus loves YOU. He has forgiven you for it all. He has forgiven so that I may forgive. Just as He has loved me first, so that I may love. When we look at forgiveness through the lens of the cross, it doesn't seem like so much of a burden or a chore.

Father, thank You that I am forgiven every single day, at every single hour, during every single minute, for every single one of my sins from all of my yesterdays, my today, and all of my tomorrows. Give me the strength and the willingness to forgive others as You have forgiven me.